I regularly make small talk and engage with strangers so it might surprise those who know me that I'd be interested in reading a book like Once Upon a Stranger - The Science of How 'Small Talk' Can Add Up to a Big Life by Dr Gillian Sandstrom. This book serves as a how-to for readers who find it uncomfortable to make small talk with people they know let alone those they don't know.
I'm an extrovert who frequently overcomes the fear of rejection or an awkward interaction to make an effort to exchange a few words with people. It might be in the lift, in a store or at a concert and most of the time these small exchanges are fun and pleasant, although sometimes they make my husband cringe. The reason I wanted to delve deeper into this topic is because we're in a loneliness epidemic and I worry that younger generations are losing their social skills.
Dr Gillian Sandstrom is an Associate Professor in the Psychology of Kindness - I didn't know that was a thing either - and clearly outlines the purpose of her book in the introduction.
"Now, not only do I regularly talk to strangers, I also study talking to strangers for a living, as a professor of psychology. (I'm a researcher, not a therapist or clinical psychologist - no couches in sight.) I've made it my scientific mission to understand the reasons that we feel anxious about talking to strangers and all the ways that we benefit if we're able to push past our fears. In this book, I'll share what I (and other researchers) have learned." Page 4As a person who already practices the art of small talk, the author was essentially preaching to the choir, as I already understand and regularly experience the mutual benefits of engaging with a stranger.
I've noticed a cultural shift away from chatting on the phone or making phone calls and an increased reliance on text messages and email correspondence. Just this week the only way I could contact a new business I wanted to book a consultation with was via a WhatsApp text. I phoned another business and left a message to make an appointment and they didn't answer but texted me straight back instead. For years now, businesses have been asking customers on hold to their call centres to visit their website instead and now when you want to do something it has to be done via their App. Gah! Apart from being frustrating for those of us who are 'old school' this technology is stripping away social interactions and as a result, younger generations have real anxiety about initiating a conversation with another person or even answering their phone.
"A recent market research poll even found that 20 percent of women and 46 percent of men felt somewhat or very confident that they could land a plane if the pilot was incapacitated - a feat that, according to experts, would be nearly impossible for someone with no experience. In other words, many of us think we'd have almost as good a chance of landing a plane as we do of successfully navigating a conversation with a stranger at a party. This is not only ridiculous but untrue". Page 29A new to me term I learned in the book is 'polite civil inattention'. An example of this is noticing someone at a bus stop or in a lift but actively choosing not to make direct eye contact or engage with them. It's an unspoken social norm where people acknowledge the presence of strangers in public with a brief glance but then quickly look away.
While acknowledging this is sometimes necessary, Sandstrom encourages readers to consider moving beyond civil inattention to interacting with a stranger, repeatedly extolling the virtues of short interactions that can boost our mood, our confidence and our sense of human connection in the world.
While I was reading Once Upon a Stranger, I became acutely aware of the times I initiate conversation with strangers and the author's right, I end up feeling good about it each and every time. I recently made eye contact with a woman at the local op shop while having a quick browse after making a donation and she immediately asked me to read the maker's mark on the back of a plate for her. I had to get my glasses out and we had a laugh and she said I'd made her day. She could just as easily have taken it up to the counter but there's something about helping another person that feels good.
Sandstrom also writes about experiencing shared reality and how it makes us feel connected to other people and gives us a sense of belonging. I experience this at the Dawn Service on ANZAC Day and it's the magic behind attending a music concert and singing the lyrics of a favourite song along with thousands of other fans.
"There have been several occasions when, after walking away from a conversation with a stranger, I think of something that I wish I'd said (often a joke I wished I'd made) or a question I wish I'd asked... There's a French term for this: esprit d'escalier. It literally means "wit of the staircase" - thinking of the perfect thing to say only after leaving the room and walking down the stairs." Page 163For some reason, Sandstrom gives the negative self talk many people experience when it comes to the fear of talking to strangers a name and I found it incredibly condescending and annoying.
"This negative voice is, unfortunately, a main character in our lives and in this book, so I think it needs a name. Given its insidious nature, I'm going to call this devious character Sid. I'm hoping that, by giving this voice a name, we'll be able to think about it in a more objective way and learn to question and challenge it. (I encourage you to give yours a silly name too.)" Page 15Indeed, I found this very silly and the continual and repeated mention of Sid throughout the entire text grated on my nerves quickly and cost the book a star.
The entire time I was reading this, I was looking forward to the How-To Appendix flagged on page 7, and expected to see a list with some recommended conversations starters. The Appendix provides commentary on choosing a person to start a conversation with and the situation but not a list of suggested words to say. The author gives us her favourite conversation starter of "whatcha doing" but I was disappointed not to find a lengthy list of conversation starters in the appendix and it would have been a terrific addition to the book. Alas, another star was deducted for the lost opportunity.
Once Upon a Stranger - The Science of How 'Small Talk' Can Add Up to a Big Life by Dr Gillian Sandstrom is recommended for readers who struggle to make small talk or see the value in it. Those who see the opportunities and advantages it provides and wish they had the confidence to engage with strangers more often will also benefit from the advice offered here.
Carpe Librum!

















































