* Copy courtesy of Bloomsbury *All The Way to the River - Love, Loss and Liberation by Elizabeth Gilbert is possibly the best memoir I've ever read. Bursting with brutal honesty shared in a manner I can't recall ever experiencing before, this is one to remember.
To sum it up as a memoir about relationships, love and addiction would be the understatement of the year. I don't tend to seek out memoirs on relationships or addiction and I don't enjoy reading fiction about addiction let alone non-fiction about the topic. Having said that, my love of Elizabeth Gilbert's writing led me to pick up her memoir and after reading it I was forced to reconsider my reading tastes in this regard.
The author tells us that Rayya was her hairdresser for several years before she went on to become a social acquaintance, then a friend, then a neighbour, then her best friend, lover, partner and finally her 'person'. Gilbert's description of Rayya is detailed, affectionate and admiring while remaining resolutely honest, particularly towards the heartbreaking and ugly changes towards the end of Rayya's life.
Similarly, Gilbert lays her own soul bare to the reader, declaring early on that she is a sex and love addict. She doesn't stop there though and elaborates further by stating:
"I'm also a romantic obsessive, a fantasy and adrenaline addict, a world-class enabler and a blackout codependent." Page 33
Wow, it's quite the mouthful and I was fascinated to learn how all of this has manifested in Gilbert's life and how she came to know and recognise this about herself. Gilbert shares all of this and more, including how she found the courage to admit her shortcomings and begin to make a conscious effort to be a better person for herself and others.
I really enjoyed learning about Rayya and admired her confidence and direct nature. If there was tension between Rayya and another person, she'd say to them:
"Let's just lay it on the table, man. The sooner we see this mess, the sooner we can start cleaning it up. And don't spare my feelings, dude - just say it! I'd rather have it come out all wrong than stay in all wrong. Cuz if it stays in, it's gonna be all wrong." Page 81-82
What a terrific attitude! I love the perspective that the sooner we see the mess, the sooner we can clean it up. I can see how Gilbert's codependent nature led her to cling to a person who made her feel like everything was going to be okay. Rayya was loved by all for her ability to cut through the pleasantries and make a real difference in people's lives:
"That's enough of the story, babe. We know the story already, we get it. But we don't live in our stories anymore, okay? If you're living in the story, you're still living in the problem. That's the old way, and it's getting you nowhere. We live in solutions, dude, or else we die. So let's start planning some solutions here. Because the way you're living is about to take you under." Page 84
Rayya was in recovery from a drug addiction when they met and Gilbert warns us that addicts can be some of the best and worst people out there; gloriously generous and devastatingly untrustworthy. Surprisingly, Gilbert advises that if you can save yourself from an addict you should cut them off and run. Shockingly, she points out that whether or not an addict dies from their addiction has nothing to do with the amount of love and support given to them by loved ones. This means your love can't save them.
Rayya once confided:
"The only thing that might have made me get clean sooner would have been if every person in my life had cut me off sooner. Because as long as I still had anyone left out there who I could bullshit and use, or borrow money from, or crash with, or who would listen to my sob story, there was no reason for me to quit." Page 246
It wasn't until Rayya had burned every single bridge in her life that she realised she had to decide whether she wanted to live or die. Imagine the guilt that could be assuaged for people with an addict in their family who struggle with the choice to cut their loved one loose or continue to support them. This is just one of the many insights in
All the Way to the River that can literally change lives.
One minor gripe would be the overuse of italics to emphasize a word and you can see this in some of the quotes I've shared. Fortunately those listening to the author narrate the audiobook will be spared this frequent distraction.
That aside, there were so many times I had to sit with an idea or concept, like this one:
"In fact, drama and boredom are both symptoms of high anxiety, signalling a deep inability to simply be. When serenity is either un-available or unattainable, only drama and boredom will ever be on the menu." Page 334
All The Way to the River is a celebration of love, an exploration of death and grief with plenty of lighter moments and even a little humour. Far from a misery memoir, the author undertakes the most unflinching look deep within herself to discover why she does what she does and I found it incredibly illuminating. In
All The Way to the River, the author delves past her feelings in order to understand her actions and behaviour on a deep level which ultimately made this memoir unforgettable. Having reached that understanding, Gilbert then embarks on the painfully slow process of rebuilding her life after it had been shattered; thus giving hope to all who read her words.
Highly recommended and life changing!
