Review: Once Upon a Stranger by Dr Gillian Sandstrom

I regularly make small talk and engage with strangers so it might surprise those who know me that I'd be interested in reading a book like Once Upon a Stranger - The Science of How 'Small Talk' Can Add Up to a Big Life by Dr Gillian Sandstrom. This book serves as a how-to for readers who find it uncomfortable to make small talk with people they know let alone those they don't know.

I'm an extrovert who frequently overcomes the fear of rejection or an awkward interaction to make an effort to exchange a few words with people. It might be in the lift, in a store or at a concert and most of the time these small exchanges are fun and pleasant, although sometimes they make my husband cringe. The reason I wanted to delve deeper into this topic is because we're in a loneliness epidemic and I worry that younger generations are losing their social skills.

Dr Gillian Sandstrom is an Associate Professor in the Psychology of Kindness - I didn't know that was a thing either - and clearly outlines the purpose of her book in the introduction.

"Now, not only do I regularly talk to strangers, I also study talking to strangers for a living, as a professor of psychology. (I'm a researcher, not a therapist or clinical psychologist - no couches in sight.) I've made it my scientific mission to understand the reasons that we feel anxious about talking to strangers and all the ways that we benefit if we're able to push past our fears. In this book, I'll share what I (and other researchers) have learned." Page 4

As a person who already practices the art of small talk, the author was essentially preaching to the choir, as I already understand and regularly experience the mutual benefits of engaging with a stranger.

I've noticed a cultural shift away from chatting on the phone or making phone calls and an increased reliance on text messages and email correspondence. Just this week the only way I could contact a new business I wanted to book a consultation with was via a WhatsApp text. I phoned another business and left a message to make an appointment and they didn't answer but texted me straight back instead. For years now, businesses have been asking customers on hold to their call centres to visit their website instead and now when you want to do something it has to be done via their App. Gah! Apart from being frustrating for those of us who are 'old school' this technology is stripping away social interactions and as a result, younger generations have real anxiety about initiating a conversation with another person or even answering their phone.

"A recent market research poll even found that 20 percent of women and 46 percent of men felt somewhat or very confident that they could land a plane if the pilot was incapacitated - a feat that, according to experts, would be nearly impossible for someone with no experience. In other words, many of us think we'd have almost as good a chance of landing a plane as we do of successfully navigating a conversation with a stranger at a party. This is not only ridiculous but untrue". Page 29

A new to me term I learned in the book is 'polite civil inattention'. An example of this is noticing someone at a bus stop or in a lift but actively choosing not to make direct eye contact or engage with them. It's an unspoken social norm where people acknowledge the presence of strangers in public with a brief glance but then quickly look away.

While acknowledging this is sometimes necessary, Sandstrom encourages readers to consider moving beyond civil inattention to interacting with a stranger, repeatedly extolling the virtues of short interactions that can boost our mood, our confidence and our sense of human connection in the world.

While I was reading Once Upon a Stranger, I became acutely aware of the times I initiate conversation with strangers and the author's right, I end up feeling good about it each and every time. I recently made eye contact with a woman at the local op shop while having a quick browse after making a donation and she immediately asked me to read the maker's mark on the back of a plate for her. I had to get my glasses out and we had a laugh and she said I'd made her day. She could just as easily have taken it up to the counter but there's something about helping another person that feels good.

Sandstrom also writes about experiencing shared reality and how it makes us feel connected to other people and gives us a sense of belonging. I experience this at the Dawn Service on ANZAC Day and it's the magic behind attending a music concert and singing the lyrics of a favourite song along with thousands of other fans.

I also loved learning the new (to me) french term esprit d'escalier and realised I regularly suffer from it myself:

"There have been several occasions when, after walking away from a conversation with a stranger, I think of something that I wish I'd said (often a joke I wished I'd made) or a question I wish I'd asked... There's a French term for this: esprit d'escalier. It literally means "wit of the staircase" - thinking of the perfect thing to say only after leaving the room and walking down the stairs." Page 163

For some reason, Sandstrom gives the negative self talk many people experience when it comes to the fear of talking to strangers a name and I found it incredibly condescending and annoying.

"This negative voice is, unfortunately, a main character in our lives and in this book, so I think it needs a name. Given its insidious nature, I'm going to call this devious character Sid. I'm hoping that, by giving this voice a name, we'll be able to think about it in a more objective way and learn to question and challenge it. (I encourage you to give yours a silly name too.)" Page 15

Indeed, I found this very silly and the continual and repeated mention of Sid throughout the entire text grated on my nerves quickly and cost the book a star.

The entire time I was reading this, I was looking forward to the How-To Appendix flagged on page 7, and expected to see a list with some recommended conversations starters. The Appendix provides commentary on choosing a person to start a conversation with and the situation but not a list of suggested words to say. The author gives us her favourite conversation starter of "whatcha doing" but I was disappointed not to find a lengthy list of conversation starters in the appendix and it would have been a terrific addition to the book. Alas, another star was deducted for the lost opportunity.

Once Upon a Stranger - The Science of How 'Small Talk' Can Add Up to a Big Life by Dr Gillian Sandstrom is recommended for readers who struggle to make small talk or see the value in it. Those who see the opportunities and advantages it provides and wish they had the confidence to engage with strangers more often will also benefit from the advice offered here.

My Rating:

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Carpe Librum!

Review: Sirens by Martin McKenzie-Murray

It was a pleasure to attend the book launch for Sirens - Inside the Shadow World of First Responders by Martin McKenzie-Murray back in April this year. Sirens features the experiences of three first responders, Peter - Paramedic, Brett - Police Officer and Tara - Firefighter. Retired Police Officer Brett Kersten and I met in 2010, have been close friends ever since and he's The Copper in Sirens. Brett has openly shared the darkest sides of his service related PTSD and difficult upbringing with me, so I was thrilled for him when he excitedly told me he was being interviewed for this book. His is a touching and incredible story, yet these projects take time and along the way I eagerly helped to proofread the chapters about his life and career and keenly awaited the launch of the finished product, Sirens.

I was proud of Brett's involvement at the launch hosted by Gideon Haigh held at Readings Carlton and it was wonderful to receive a copy of the finished product with an inscription from both Brett and Martin McKenzie-Murray. However I did wonder whether it would feel right to review Sirens, given my personal involvement and deep knowledge of one of the key subjects. It's been a few months and I've finally decided that yes, I will try and review Sirens objectively, while openly disclosing my bias.

It was clear at the book launch that Australian author and journalist Martin McKenzie-Murray is a literary intellectual and brought those skills to bear when he viewed the world of first responders and the lives of these three subjects - Peter, Brett and Tara - through that critical journalistic lens.

In a helpful message to the reader at the beginning of the book, the author lets us know that difficult subjects are going to be recounted and helpfully provides a list of support services available in Australia. However the Introduction that followed instantly felt self-indulgent. As a journalist, I thought the author was going to largely leave himself out of this examination, yet he is front and centre from page one with a recurring nightmare, anxiety, intrusive memories, sexual abuse and his eventual PTSD diagnosis.

This background does serve to explain how the author became interested in first responders and their career inducing PTSD, but this could just as easily have come at the end.

Peter James is a retired paramedic living in Tasmania and is the first to be introduced. Peter was involved in the aftermath of the Port Arthur massacre in 1996 and was one of the paramedics supporting trapped miners Todd Russell and Brant Webb in the Beaconsfield disaster in 2006.

Amongst tales of Peter's trip to Scotland, I was confused when the author started writing about William Wordsworth and John Keats, even going so far as to include poetry from Wordsworth and an excerpt from a letter by Keats. I'm sure the connection was relevant from McKenzie-Murray's standpoint, but it seemed off track and completely irrelevant to this reader.

Further on there's a lot of content about Simon Webb, a Clinical Psychologist working with emergency personnel, including involvement at Port Arthur with Peter. Presumably introduced to offer another viewpoint on Peter's experiences, the reader didn't then need to learn about Webb's upbringing, career in the Army, injuries in the Vietnam war and his own subsequent PTSD. I certainly didn't care to know about Webb's 3 failed marriages, where he lived at the time of writing or how he spent his spare time. I understand the author had his own relationship with Simon Webb, but the detailed account of his illness and subsequent passing and funeral didn't seem to have anything to do with the overarching purpose of the book, other than Peter and Martin's shared history and desire to honour a man they both respected.

Relying on black humour and drinking to cope with the trauma experienced as a Paramedic, Peter retired in 2019 and continues to suffer the devastating effects of PTSD.

Book launch (L-R):
Martin McKenzie-Murray, Brett Kersten,
Peter James and Tara Lal

Moving on to Brett's section of the book, the author takes care discussing Brett's difficult childhood, even going so far as to call it Dickensian. Brett and his younger brother were abandoned as children when his mother took off with their sister and left them to fend for themselves with an alcoholic father who was rarely home. Brett and his brother lived rough on the streets of Queensland before eventually being institutionalised in the Christian Brothers’ orphanage in South Melbourne.

Where Brett's experience of this traumatic upbringing morphed into a respect for authority and led him to join the Australian Regular Army and later the Victoria Police, his brother developed a deep distrust of authority and they subsequently drifted apart. As with the inclusion of Simon Webb in Peter's section of the book, the relevance of Brett's brother Adam beyond this point was questionable.

Always striving to live a life of service to others and his community, it was these shared values and career in the ADF and Victoria Police that strengthened my friendship with Brett in the early days and thankfully they shine in this book.

Brett used dark humour as a coping mechanism early on - as did his colleagues - but in the book the author recounts an occasion where an attempt at black humour aimed at easing the distress of a junior colleague missed the mark.

"I wondered if Brett wasn't also trying to induct his partner into a world where a calloused familiarity with the obscene was not only necessary but expressed with cowboy puerility. In my experience, coppers have both a fierce belief in the usefulness of black humour and a zealous sense of entitlement to its use. And with good reason. In a profession that exposes its members to macabre destructions, they don't appreciate outsiders policing their humour." Page 126-127

For some readers this won't show Brett in a good light and while the author repeatedly confirmed - at the book launch - he didn't set out to write a hagiography, I didn't believe this inclusion was necessary. It's not the only unfavourable scene to feature in the book, Peter is shown in an uncomplimentary scene as well.

Tara Lal is the final of the three subjects and joined the NSW Fire Brigade training college in 2005. The following anecdote reminded me of my own training when she was describing how much trainees sweated during the 'hot cell' training, which involved navigating an intensely heated metal maze wearing full gear while blindfolded.

"Tara would later remove her boots and pour the stuff out like she was tipping a jug of beer". Page 148

Sounds intense doesn't it? (I did NBCD training in the Royal Australian Navy and never sweated that much). Tara also experienced more grief and heartbreak than most in her life which made it downright gobsmacking when the author introduced writer JG Ballard into her narrative. We're told about his experience as a prisoner of war - like the author's grandfather, is that the reason for the inclusion? - the death of Ballard's wife, his drinking and his writing. All of this was hugely jarring and if it was an attempt to provide respite from the heavy content of Tara's story or the book as a whole, all it did was deliver a juxtaposition I found deeply distracting and somewhat indulgent.

"I'm aware of the risk, as I write this book, of numbing you, the reader, with a repetitive anthology of carnage. I'm sensitive to leavening it, truncating it, and removing things altogether. I'm sensitive to your notional appetites and stamina, as I'm sensitive to the elements of crafting a book - of building and releasing tension, for example, but also of handling macabre material in a manner that neither corrupts it, nor alienates you." Page 134

Tara retired after 20 years service and I was impressed by how much she has changed in the time since. Learning to let go of the desire for structure, stability and control and her ability to accept life's uncertainty and chaos is truly inspiring.

In conclusion, there's too much of the author in Sirens. Even in the Afterword, McKenzie-Murray largely writes about his grandfather, gives us an interesting story from his time working with Victoria Police better placed earlier and four pages about Ernest Hemingway. Every writer deeply inhabits their project, however it felt to me that a sharp editor should have plucked out the personal content and encouraged the author to set that aside for another day. The lofty writing style also seemed incongruous with the three subjects and their chosen professions.

Instead I'd have preferred the focus to remain on the physical and psychological effects of the often terrible work first responders are called on to do each and every day. As a journalist, McKenzie-Murray was uniquely positioned to seek advice as to how we as members of the public can be kinder to the first responders we come in contact with. He could also have interrogated the ways in which we can learn lessons from the past and better manage the workplace stresses of these roles. Reading their stories I wanted to know how and what we should be advocating for to improve the career prospects of future paramedics, police officers and fire fighters.

I'm reading a book now about sleep and in it the author writes that if first responders drink alcohol after a traumatic shift, work long hours without a break - like Peter did at Port Arthur - and don't get an adequate amount of sleep required to clear the emotions from the events of that day, they will develop PTSD symptoms from just that one shift for the rest of their lives. The fact they do this on a regular basis explains how first responders are often crippled by PTSD by the end of their careers, if not before. This is an entirely new way of thinking and requires a significant cultural shift in all three emergency services and I'd loved to have seen the author discuss matters like this in Sirens in a 'where to from here' approach.

Instead I was left with little hope for the future of those who often meet people on the worst day of their lives.

My Rating:

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Carpe Librum!

Holy Days Winners Announced

Thanks to everyone who entered my giveaway to win 1 of 2 double passes to see Holy Days. The movie opens in cinemas this week and everyone correctly identified that Holy Days is a comedy set in New Zealand.

The giveaway closed at midnight last night and I drew the two lucky winners today. Congratulations go to:

Thomas & Diana

Congratulations Thomas and Diana, you're both off to the cinema thanks to Kismet Movies. But don't worry, you don't have to go together, you've each won a double pass to see Holy Days valued at $40 so you can go with a friend or family member. I'll be emailing your tickets shortly and hope you enjoy the film.

Carpe Librum!